I Come in Peace (1990)

March 8th, 2019

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In this weeks episode, we tackle the tough question of who would win in a fight between a weird alien with a magnetic disc weapon and Dolph Lundgren. The problem is the answer is always Dolph Lundgren ... sorry to get your hopes up. To be honest this flick wasn't half bad in a cheesy 90's straight to video sort of way. Watch if you're in the mood to see explosions and a Swedish man kick some alien ass. Listen to the podcast if you want to hear us make fun of it ... or both ... doowutchyalike.

Food of the Gods (1976)

February 22nd, 2019

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Lending credence to the auteur theory, director Bert I. Gordon makes yet another film in which things that are not supposed to be large at all become very large indeed, through science. The funny thing about getting attacked by giant rats while you're in a car, is that from some angles it really looks more like someone stuck a tiny bit of cheese inside a plastic toy car and unleashed a bunch of adorable domesticated rats on it.

The Wrong Guys (1988)

February 9th, 2019

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Andrew's lovely wife Julia subs in to help Chris and Andrew evaluate The Wrong Guys, an unremembered 80s comedy about middle-aged former Cub Scouts (Louie Anderson, Richard Lewis, Richard Belzer, and some even more obscure people) who reunite for one last camping trip, only to be hunted by escaped convict John Goodman. If your wager in the office betting pool was that John Goodman is the best part of this movie, congratulations! As for the film itself, we hated it, and also give it our strongest recommendation. This is our kind of terrible.

After Last Season (2009)

January 25th, 2019

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They say there are only seven basic stories, and all the books and films we enjoy are just variations. Surely, After Last Season is a tale as old as time: two scientists experimenting with a device that can transmit mental images accidentally solve a murder, and then are attacked by a ghost, but actually that was all a dream, but there is a ghost and it is a friendly ghost, and they help it solve its murder.

What really leaves a strong impression, though, is the visual effects, which would have been top-of-the-line stuff in the late 1970s, but in 2009 it's closer to what you might be able to make with a free trial version of some particularly cheap software on a computer that's still running Windows 95. It probably took auteur Mark Region quite a while to put it all together, which makes you wonder why the sets appear to just be rooms in an unfurnished apartment with pieces of paper taped to the walls. This movie is cheap, is what I'm saying.

Tank Girl (1995)

January 11th, 2019

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What do you get when you combine an alt comic with 90's kitchiness and some punk rockin girl power attitude? Well unfortunately in 1995 you get Tank Girl ...
A Post-apocalyptic film based on a stylistically amazing comic starring Lori Petty, Ice-T, Naomi Watts and Malcolm McDowell !! ... and Ice-T is some sort of kangaroo?! How could you possibly go wrong? Make it in 1995.

Oh how I wish this movie could take a mulligan and we could all collectively witness what it SHOULD have been. Unfortunately, we have this jumbled piece of trash instead. Join us as our old pal Mark stops by to be tortured alongside me ... Andrew liked the film. Our friendship is trying at times.

Samurai Cop (1991)

December 28th, 2018

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We've been big fans of improbably-jawed actor Robert Z'Dar at least since we saw him play Russia's greatest warrior in The Final Sanction, which we watched about two and a half years ago. Z'Dar is a prolific film actor, starring in around a half-dozen films a year from the late 80s on, so there are plenty of great works to choose from -- but when it comes to schlock classics, we would have been fools not to select Samurai Cop.

Admittedly, Z'Dar isn't the top banana here -- that honor goes to Matt Hannon, a man with beautiful, dark, flowing hair, who -- upon learning that Samurai Cop had achieved cult status, and that fans believed he was probably dead -- revealed himself to be very much alive, and starred in a recent sequel alongside infamous goofball / auteur Tommy Wiseau. But if you're into that kind of tongue-in-cheek garbage, you've come to the wrong podcast! (I haven't seen it, maybe it's fun. You've probably come to the right podcast.)

Anime Xxxmas Special (2018)

December 21st, 2018

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In case you were wondering the answer is no. This is not the episode of Search for Schlock you were promised next. That's because it's Christmas and James wanted to give us the gift of anime. That's right we will eschew our regularly scheduled program to bring you all twelve episodes of Puella Magi Madoka Magica! (Please direct the hate mail we're about to see at James this was his idea.)

Look it's the holiday season and we needed a break. We got high, ate a lot of popcorn and watched a bunch of brightly colored magical girls fight witches or monsters who knows what. We'll discuss at length within. I don't even know why you people read these tags anymore ... you know you're going to listen either way.

Merry Christmas!!

Caged Heat (1974)

December 7th, 2018

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Over twenty years before Silence of the Lambs, Academy Award winner Jonathan Demme wrote and directed his true cinematic vision: a film about women in cages that is completely different from Women in Cages. That's right, we're watching another women in prison movie. But this one has Barbara Steele! And...I already mentioned Jonathan Demme! And that's it. Okay, maybe we're creepy weirdos for watching two of these movies. We're sorry.

According to Wikipedia, Demme "incorporated elements of liberal politics, feminism and social consciousness into his screenplay." We didn't notice! He certainly didn't incorporate a lot of bras into his costumes.

The Concorde... Airport '79 (1979)

November 23rd, 2018

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Hey, everybody, it's your old pal Chris. Reminding you to never watch an Airport movie alone. These films are advanced level bad and not for beginners. In fact, you probably shouldn't watch Airport 79 at all. Oh I'm sorry The Concorde... Airport '79. We can't forget the all-important dot dot dots or it's quite possible you'll confuse this film with another airport disaster movie. Actually, that'll never happen ever!

Dear lord was it a chore to get through this one. Not a single moment of the action nor acting "performance" by any one of the cast could do anything to save this piece of crap ... or this run on sentence. Never fear though we drone on for an hour and a half anyway. Mostly about the other films in the illustrious Airport franchise. Join us! ... but do not for the love of god actually watch this movie!

The Final Programme (1973)

November 9th, 2018

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We here at Schlock Headquarters love the aesthetic of the 70s, obviously. If Seinfeld had aired in the 70s, it couldn't have done the "Puffy Shirt" episode, because people would have been like, "I don't get it, that shirt looks great." But this movie is confusing and weird by even our standards. And we can't even blame it on the filmmakers this time, because it sounds like the book it's based on -- the first in a series! -- is even more bonkers. Clearly this is a movie in dire need of a modern reboot. We're talking franchise potential here people. I mean, a franchise that makes absolutely zero sense, but still. Franchise.

Imagine if Austin Powers wasn't funny, and also turned into an ape person at the end.

A note about the audio: sorry again. It'll be good in a couple months, I promise. Really.