Steel Dawn (1987)

July 12th, 2019

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Steel Dawn, an early vehicle for Skatetown, USA star Patrick Swayze, is described by Wikipedia as "not to be confused with Dawn Steel." It's so much more than that, though. Swayze plays a wandering swordsman named, of course, Nomad, who finds himself in the plot of Shane, but after the apocalypse. Sure, Nomad would prefer to just do headstands in the desert and meditate, but that peace is taken from him when his mentor is murdered by what appears to be the frontman for an 80s hair metal band. To get his revenge, he'll have to befriend a terrible child actor. We liked the movie at the time...although I have to admit, writing about it now, it's not ringing any bells.

Leviathan (1989)

June 29th, 2019

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In 1989 a terrible Alien / Abyss rip-off won the heart of a young yours truly. Don't get me wrong its a pretty terrible film most of the time. It has those rare moments of awesome though. At least that's what I had always thought ... until the day I introduced both Andrew and James. Leviathan!

Ok, so Andrew wasn't impressed with this one ... both a small victory and defeat for me. Join us!

Also, it's apparently our 7 year anniversary? ... I guess that's something.

Kindergarten Cop 2 (2016)

June 15th, 2019

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I know what you're thinking: They made a Kindergarten Cop sequel? Sixteen years after the hazily-remembered original, a film that Criterion Collection once pretended they were going to release as an April Fools Day prank? And the answer is yes, I'm afraid so. Starring genius-on-paper Dolph Lundgren, the film follows a cop who has to go undercover as a kindergarten teacher to, I don't know, find some evidence or something. The real aim of the film seems to be for Dolph Lundgren to mug about how lame it is that kids these days are taught liberal garbage like inclusivity and self-respect, so that we the audience can nod our heads and, I assume, harbor an intense loathing of transgendered people. However, since the film is, at times, unintentionally hilarious, at least one of us rated it "a thousand thumbs up". Take that as you will.

Prayer of the Rollerboys (1990)

June 1st, 2019

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In a dystopian future, Dream a Little Dream 2 star Corey Haim infiltrates a cadre of trenchcoat-wearing rollerblade enthusiasts / drug kingpins with a secret plan to sterilize their customers. His only ally is undercover cop and Nightmare on Elm Street 3 star Patricia Arquette, whose costumes only get more ridiculous as the tensions ramp up. Perhaps more importantly, we open a pack of Growing Pains trading cards from 1988 and describe each card in painstaking detail, and Chris samples the included more-than-three-decades-old stick of chewing gum.

Gingerdead Man (2006)

May 17th, 2019

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It's always hard to pass up late-period Gary Busey, but when you pair him with director Charles Band, well, we can't say 'no' to that. Here, Band and Busey take us on a cinematic journey that Wikipedia very, very generously describes as "75 minutes." Maybe they were watching the Director's Cut, because the version we saw was one thin hour. Not that we're complaining. A movie's length is the inverse of the quality it needs to be for us to be entertained -- you know this, we've discussed this.

By that measure, Gingerdead Man delivers. If all it gave to us was the phrase "Miss Prettyface of Waco", then it still would be an instant classic that we will remember forever. But listener, it gave us so much more.

Polyester (1981)

May 3rd, 2019

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Andrew learns a harsh lesson when he tries to share his love of Jon Waters with Chris and James. That's the pull quote on this one. I, being Andrew, think Jon Waters is a unique voice in cinema whose love of camp, 1950s aesthetics, and his own bizarre friends group makes his whole body of work, if not always stellar, at least always worth watching. I'm don't want to spoil Chris and James's reaction, but let's say they don't see it that way.

We always take great pains to view movies the way that the filmmakers intended for them to be seen, so we'll be watching this one in full Odorama (a scratch-and-sniff card comes with the DVD).

Satan's Cheerleaders (1977)

April 5th, 2019

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Now, this is what this podcast is for! Bad 70's exploitation film filled with comedy, nudity, cheerleaders ... and Satan! I'm not sure what else there is to tease about this one. Needless to say we loved it. I highly recommend finding this little gem if you can. Watch it with a group of friends ... never alone ... and preferably high. I know I did.

Satan's Cheerleaders!

The Amazing Bulk (2013)

March 22nd, 2019

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To be honest I feel a little bad about this one. It just shouldn't have been on the podcast. I'm not sure I would call this a movie. Not unless you count a something your 14 year old cousin made with the help of his parents and a freeware editing suite. Andrew liked it I guess ... me and James we'rent too pleased. Oh well, another episode we spend arguing over the merits of utter crap. Join us!

I Come in Peace (1990)

March 8th, 2019

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In this weeks episode, we tackle the tough question of who would win in a fight between a weird alien with a magnetic disc weapon and Dolph Lundgren. The problem is the answer is always Dolph Lundgren ... sorry to get your hopes up. To be honest this flick wasn't half bad in a cheesy 90's straight to video sort of way. Watch if you're in the mood to see explosions and a Swedish man kick some alien ass. Listen to the podcast if you want to hear us make fun of it ... or both ... doowutchyalike.

Food of the Gods (1976)

February 22nd, 2019

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Lending credence to the auteur theory, director Bert I. Gordon makes yet another film in which things that are not supposed to be large at all become very large indeed, through science. The funny thing about getting attacked by giant rats while you're in a car, is that from some angles it really looks more like someone stuck a tiny bit of cheese inside a plastic toy car and unleashed a bunch of adorable domesticated rats on it.