Tank Girl (1995)

January 11th, 2019

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What do you get when you combine an alt comic with 90's kitchiness and some punk rockin girl power attitude? Well unfortunately in 1995 you get Tank Girl ...
A Post-apocalyptic film based on a stylistically amazing comic starring Lori Petty, Ice-T, Naomi Watts and Malcolm McDowell !! ... and Ice-T is some sort of kangaroo?! How could you possibly go wrong? Make it in 1995.

Oh how I wish this movie could take a mulligan and we could all collectively witness what it SHOULD have been. Unfortunately, we have this jumbled piece of trash instead. Join us as our old pal Mark stops by to be tortured alongside me ... Andrew liked the film. Our friendship is trying at times.

Samurai Cop (1991)

December 28th, 2018

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We've been big fans of improbably-jawed actor Robert Z'Dar at least since we saw him play Russia's greatest warrior in The Final Sanction, which we watched about two and a half years ago. Z'Dar is a prolific film actor, starring in around a half-dozen films a year from the late 80s on, so there are plenty of great works to choose from -- but when it comes to schlock classics, we would have been fools not to select Samurai Cop.

Admittedly, Z'Dar isn't the top banana here -- that honor goes to Matt Hannon, a man with beautiful, dark, flowing hair, who -- upon learning that Samurai Cop had achieved cult status, and that fans believed he was probably dead -- revealed himself to be very much alive, and starred in a recent sequel alongside infamous goofball / auteur Tommy Wiseau. But if you're into that kind of tongue-in-cheek garbage, you've come to the wrong podcast! (I haven't seen it, maybe it's fun. You've probably come to the right podcast.)

Anime Xxxmas Special (2018)

December 21st, 2018

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In case you were wondering the answer is no. This is not the episode of Search for Schlock you were promised next. That's because it's Christmas and James wanted to give us the gift of anime. That's right we will eschew our regularly scheduled program to bring you all twelve episodes of Puella Magi Madoka Magica! (Please direct the hate mail we're about to see at James this was his idea.)

Look it's the holiday season and we needed a break. We got high, ate a lot of popcorn and watched a bunch of brightly colored magical girls fight witches or monsters who knows what. We'll discuss at length within. I don't even know why you people read these tags anymore ... you know you're going to listen either way.

Merry Christmas!!

Caged Heat (1974)

December 7th, 2018

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Over twenty years before Silence of the Lambs, Academy Award winner Jonathan Demme wrote and directed his true cinematic vision: a film about women in cages that is completely different from Women in Cages. That's right, we're watching another women in prison movie. But this one has Barbara Steele! And...I already mentioned Jonathan Demme! And that's it. Okay, maybe we're creepy weirdos for watching two of these movies. We're sorry.

According to Wikipedia, Demme "incorporated elements of liberal politics, feminism and social consciousness into his screenplay." We didn't notice! He certainly didn't incorporate a lot of bras into his costumes.

The Concorde... Airport '79 (1979)

November 23rd, 2018

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Hey, everybody, it's your old pal Chris. Reminding you to never watch an Airport movie alone. These films are advanced level bad and not for beginners. In fact, you probably shouldn't watch Airport 79 at all. Oh I'm sorry The Concorde... Airport '79. We can't forget the all-important dot dot dots or it's quite possible you'll confuse this film with another airport disaster movie. Actually, that'll never happen ever!

Dear lord was it a chore to get through this one. Not a single moment of the action nor acting "performance" by any one of the cast could do anything to save this piece of crap ... or this run on sentence. Never fear though we drone on for an hour and a half anyway. Mostly about the other films in the illustrious Airport franchise. Join us! ... but do not for the love of god actually watch this movie!

The Final Programme (1973)

November 9th, 2018

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We here at Schlock Headquarters love the aesthetic of the 70s, obviously. If Seinfeld had aired in the 70s, it couldn't have done the "Puffy Shirt" episode, because people would have been like, "I don't get it, that shirt looks great." But this movie is confusing and weird by even our standards. And we can't even blame it on the filmmakers this time, because it sounds like the book it's based on -- the first in a series! -- is even more bonkers. Clearly this is a movie in dire need of a modern reboot. We're talking franchise potential here people. I mean, a franchise that makes absolutely zero sense, but still. Franchise.

Imagine if Austin Powers wasn't funny, and also turned into an ape person at the end.

A note about the audio: sorry again. It'll be good in a couple months, I promise. Really.

Demoni (1985)

October 26th, 2018

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If you really want to impress your friends with your arcane knowledge of scary films this Halloween, first listen to this webipod, and then make them all watch Demoni, an unsung classic of Italian mid-80s horror (aka, the very best horror). It's produced by original Suspiria auteur Dario Argento and directed by Lamberto Bava, son of Argento rival and fellow gore master Mario Bava, so it has the pedigree. It has an apocalyptic punk vibe that would pair well in a double feature with Return of the Living Dead, which is one of our favorite movies of all time (which came out the same year). It's scary and funny and great, and you just have to watch it, and force your friends to watch it too.

This movie's sprawling set of sequels and spinoffs broke our short-lived new format, so after this we're going back to one-offs. Let's pretend none of this ever happened.

The Fate of the Furious (2017)

October 12th, 2018

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You've stuck with us this long. You may as well see it through to the end.

That's not my best sales-pitch ever. Actually, we all had a lot of fun watching this silly car-racing movies, and we hope you did too. We're just going to watch this one last one, and then it's back to 1980s demonic possession horror, we promise. In the meantime, join us for the eighth and final (as of this podding) installment of the Fast and Furious saga, in which the whole gang goes up against Furiosa from Mad Max Fury Road. That's only partially true, but frankly at this point that kind of franchise crossover wouldn't surprise us at all.

Furious 7 (2015)

September 28th, 2018

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At last, the end of this long airplane runway is in sight. If the Fast/Furious franchise is a quarter-mile, then we've reached the last quarter of that quarter-mile, but it took us much longer than fifteen seconds, in spite of all the metaphical nitrous oxide that we injected into our systems along the way. Yes, we had to drink more than our fair share of Coronas to get this far, but at last we can quaff the Belgian Ale that is Furious 7, a movie that ramps up even further the series's complete disregard of the original film's tone, and complete embrace of everything about the series that is senseless.

Letty is back on the crew, but she still has amnesia, so Toretto takes her to Race Wars to jog her memory. That alone could be a whole movie, but it's like the D-plot here. The gang is recruited by superspy Kurt Russell to save a hacker from being kidnapped by terrorists, while simultaneously they're all being hunted down by crazed superhuman Jason Statham. The only way out of this fix is naturally going to involve driving a sports car through the top-floor window of a skyscraper and crashing it into another skyscraper, twice. That's hard to do when the guy in the passenger seat hasn't been partially rendered by computers due to the actor's tragic offscreen drifting-related death, but nobody said this would be easy.

Fast & Furious 6 (2013)

September 14th, 2018

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When U.S. super agent The Rock faces on a criminal mastermind even he can't handle alone, there's only one group he can count on. But can Vin Diesel and his very family-centric viewpoint of heists and heisting stand up to a bad guy who -- brace yourself -- considers the members of his gang to be largely expendable? It's a clash of leadership philosophies like you've never seen before! Also, some characters die, some others come back from the dead, and we finally reach a bizarre intersection point as the narrative finally catches up to what happened in the middle of the third movie.

If you love action that doesn't really make any sense, like even if you think about it the very minimum amount, well, here you are. Some of us at Schlock HQ appreciate that kind of action very much; others, not so much. Find out who's who in this pulse-pounding webipod for the ages.

A note about the sound quality: It sucks. We know. We have a new sound board on the way that will fix all of this, we promise. Stick with us true believer!