Caged Heat (1974)

December 7th, 2018

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Over twenty years before Silence of the Lambs, Academy Award winner Jonathan Demme wrote and directed his true cinematic vision: a film about women in cages that is completely different from Women in Cages. That's right, we're watching another women in prison movie. But this one has Barbara Steele! And...I already mentioned Jonathan Demme! And that's it. Okay, maybe we're creepy weirdos for watching two of these movies. We're sorry.

According to Wikipedia, Demme "incorporated elements of liberal politics, feminism and social consciousness into his screenplay." We didn't notice! He certainly didn't incorporate a lot of bras into his costumes.

The Concorde... Airport '79 (1979)

November 23rd, 2018

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Hey, everybody, it's your old pal Chris. Reminding you to never watch an Airport movie alone. These films are advanced level bad and not for beginners. In fact, you probably shouldn't watch Airport 79 at all. Oh I'm sorry The Concorde... Airport '79. We can't forget the all-important dot dot dots or it's quite possible you'll confuse this film with another airport disaster movie. Actually, that'll never happen ever!

Dear lord was it a chore to get through this one. Not a single moment of the action nor acting "performance" by any one of the cast could do anything to save this piece of crap ... or this run on sentence. Never fear though we drone on for an hour and a half anyway. Mostly about the other films in the illustrious Airport franchise. Join us! ... but do not for the love of god actually watch this movie!

The Final Programme (1973)

November 9th, 2018

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We here at Schlock Headquarters love the aesthetic of the 70s, obviously. If Seinfeld had aired in the 70s, it couldn't have done the "Puffy Shirt" episode, because people would have been like, "I don't get it, that shirt looks great." But this movie is confusing and weird by even our standards. And we can't even blame it on the filmmakers this time, because it sounds like the book it's based on -- the first in a series! -- is even more bonkers. Clearly this is a movie in dire need of a modern reboot. We're talking franchise potential here people. I mean, a franchise that makes absolutely zero sense, but still. Franchise.

Imagine if Austin Powers wasn't funny, and also turned into an ape person at the end.

A note about the audio: sorry again. It'll be good in a couple months, I promise. Really.

Demoni (1985)

October 26th, 2018

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If you really want to impress your friends with your arcane knowledge of scary films this Halloween, first listen to this webipod, and then make them all watch Demoni, an unsung classic of Italian mid-80s horror (aka, the very best horror). It's produced by original Suspiria auteur Dario Argento and directed by Lamberto Bava, son of Argento rival and fellow gore master Mario Bava, so it has the pedigree. It has an apocalyptic punk vibe that would pair well in a double feature with Return of the Living Dead, which is one of our favorite movies of all time (which came out the same year). It's scary and funny and great, and you just have to watch it, and force your friends to watch it too.

This movie's sprawling set of sequels and spinoffs broke our short-lived new format, so after this we're going back to one-offs. Let's pretend none of this ever happened.

The Fate of the Furious (2017)

October 12th, 2018

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You've stuck with us this long. You may as well see it through to the end.

That's not my best sales-pitch ever. Actually, we all had a lot of fun watching this silly car-racing movies, and we hope you did too. We're just going to watch this one last one, and then it's back to 1980s demonic possession horror, we promise. In the meantime, join us for the eighth and final (as of this podding) installment of the Fast and Furious saga, in which the whole gang goes up against Furiosa from Mad Max Fury Road. That's only partially true, but frankly at this point that kind of franchise crossover wouldn't surprise us at all.

Furious 7 (2015)

September 28th, 2018

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At last, the end of this long airplane runway is in sight. If the Fast/Furious franchise is a quarter-mile, then we've reached the last quarter of that quarter-mile, but it took us much longer than fifteen seconds, in spite of all the metaphical nitrous oxide that we injected into our systems along the way. Yes, we had to drink more than our fair share of Coronas to get this far, but at last we can quaff the Belgian Ale that is Furious 7, a movie that ramps up even further the series's complete disregard of the original film's tone, and complete embrace of everything about the series that is senseless.

Letty is back on the crew, but she still has amnesia, so Toretto takes her to Race Wars to jog her memory. That alone could be a whole movie, but it's like the D-plot here. The gang is recruited by superspy Kurt Russell to save a hacker from being kidnapped by terrorists, while simultaneously they're all being hunted down by crazed superhuman Jason Statham. The only way out of this fix is naturally going to involve driving a sports car through the top-floor window of a skyscraper and crashing it into another skyscraper, twice. That's hard to do when the guy in the passenger seat hasn't been partially rendered by computers due to the actor's tragic offscreen drifting-related death, but nobody said this would be easy.

Fast & Furious 6 (2013)

September 14th, 2018

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When U.S. super agent The Rock faces on a criminal mastermind even he can't handle alone, there's only one group he can count on. But can Vin Diesel and his very family-centric viewpoint of heists and heisting stand up to a bad guy who -- brace yourself -- considers the members of his gang to be largely expendable? It's a clash of leadership philosophies like you've never seen before! Also, some characters die, some others come back from the dead, and we finally reach a bizarre intersection point as the narrative finally catches up to what happened in the middle of the third movie.

If you love action that doesn't really make any sense, like even if you think about it the very minimum amount, well, here you are. Some of us at Schlock HQ appreciate that kind of action very much; others, not so much. Find out who's who in this pulse-pounding webipod for the ages.

A note about the sound quality: It sucks. We know. We have a new sound board on the way that will fix all of this, we promise. Stick with us true believer!

Fast Five (2011)

August 31st, 2018

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After our long and arduous slog through the first four of what we now apparently are just calling the Fast franchise, finally we find ourselves at the point where the series went from the "why are they still making these movies" kind of baffling, to the "oh my god, I can't believe somebody made this movie" kind of baffling that we have come to love. Casting aside elements that once grounded the series -- realistic law enforcement tactics, arms that don't look like The Rock's arms, and gravity, to name three -- Fast Five steers hard into the most ridiculous elements of its past installments, bringing back discarded characters from already-forgotten past installments and making it clear that the barely-relevant events of Tokyo Drift have not yet occurred.

But what of Chris and James, who have been forced to watch four pretty terrible movies just to get this far? Are they completely NOS'd out? Or will this movie give them the burst they need to something something racing metaphor? There are still three Fast movies to go after this one, so let's all hope for the latter.

Fast & Furious (2009)

August 17th, 2018

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We had Schlock HQ would like to thank you, listener, for staying with us during the tumultuous period of this experiment in watching an entire series of movies. We know better than anyone the real struggle of getting through the first half of this franchise, and with this webipod we'll complete the first half of a difficult journey that will -- eventually -- lead to us deciding not to do this kind of thing anymore, we promise.

But in the meantime, here's the most-forgettable F&F yet, a movie so bland that it appears to have been named by someone who was on Ambien and only trying to say the name of the first film in the franchise. At least they managed to lure Vin Diesel back into the series, as he and Paul Walker -- whose character arc has improbably brought him from from local cop to wanted fugitive and now, somehow, to FBI agent -- try to track down the drug smuggler who killed Michelle Rodriguez.

That's right, they killed off Letty! And also this movie apparently takes place before the third one! Look, none of it makes sense, and I'm not going to apologize for that. We don't make the movies, we just watch them. And I promise this will all pay off when we get to the good ones. Which will happen any time now.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006)

August 3rd, 2018

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Hey, you guys love that movie franchise with Vin Diesel and the white guy driving fast cars in a straight line, right? Well, now it's a franchise about not those people driving fast cars around corners!

In what F&tF fans unanimously agree is either the worst or the best (trust me, some people actually think this) entry in the series, Lucas Black is Sean Boswell, a 17-year-old high-school student played by a 24-year-old who looks like he's in his late 30s, and whose Alabama accent is so stupid that it must be a cruel joke character that he does, like Larry the Cable Guy or something. His chronic delinquency gets him shipped out to the mean streets of Tokyo, where he immediately gets on the bad side of some scary kid whose uncle is in the Yakuza or something. And the only solution...is driving fast cars...around corners.

There's actually a lot of interesting stuff to talk about with Tokyo Drift -- the introduction to the series of director Justin Lin and recurring character Han Seoul-Oh, the dialed-down homoeroticism and the dialed-way-up objectification of female characters, the parts where they drive cars around corners really fast -- but what fascinates us the most is how this entry later fits into the overall series's suddenly-very-convoluted continuity. We'd skip it if we could, but it's going to become a hinge around which the entire franchise rotates, which is both inexplicably insane and also perfectly fitting.