Action Jackson (1988)

September 25th, 2015

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Sometimes we forget how into the War on Drugs we all were as a nation in the late 1980s. Remember how we were all playing Narc in the arcades, and just saying no to everything, and also D.A.R.E. was a thing? But how much did we actually understand about drug abuse? If Action Jackson is any indication, absolutely nothing. In this film, real-life crack addict Vanity plays a woman with the most comically unimportant heroin addiction ever put to film. After a night without a fix, she's...a little grumpy. Helping her on the road to recovery is obvious steroid abuser Carl Weathers, who appears to have extra muscles growing out of his normal muscles. The bad guy, meanwhile, is played by Coach, who, as far as we know, is not a drug addict, even though, as a former sitcom star, he has the best excuse.

Coming Soon: Action Jackson (1988)

September 18th, 2015

Skatetown, U.S.A. (1979)

September 11th, 2015

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Fans of the "roller skating to disco music" sub-genre had it pretty great in 1979. They were still one year off from the wake-up call that was Xanadu, and in the meantime their biggest dilemma was whether to watch future webipod subject Roller Boogie or this, the feature film debut of feathered-hair enthusiast Patrick Swayze. This film is basically a who's who of moderately-recognizable TV stars of the 70's that have been completely forgotten: Ruth Buzzi. Flip Wilson in two roles. The Unknown Comic, also in two roles. Scott Baio from Zapped!. Marcia Brady. Horshack. To steal an obscure line from Bill Murray: "This is an elephant graveyard of faces you can not name." All of these titans of comedy have come together to make you laugh, yes, but also to dazzle you with the disco music and roller skating that your heart craves, now and forevermore.

Coming Soon: Skatetown, USA (1979)

September 4th, 2015

Barb Wire (1996)

August 28th, 2015

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In the post-Batman mid-90s, with DC Comics owned by Warner Bros. and Marvel's film arm dangerously incompetent, basically any independent comic book was guaranteed a lucrative film deal. '96 was also a peak year for Pamela Anderson (Lee), being four years into her role on Baywatch and just one year after the release of her sex tape with husband/Hepatitis C Patient Zero Tommy Lee. So maybe it's not a surprise that someone decided to adapt Barb Wire, an obscure 2-year-old character from a comic that was canceled before the movie even reached theaters, as a Pam Anderson vehicle. But whose idea was it to make it a gender-swapped Casablanca? Know your demographic, filmmakers. We want to see boobs, not debate whether Udo Kier or Barb Wire's blind brother is the Sam character. It's distracting.

Coming Soon: Barb Wire (1996)

August 21st, 2015

Masters of the Universe (1987)

August 14th, 2015

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Like a horrible cross between Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (from which it steals its score and special effects budget) and Howard the Duck (with which it shares a plot), Masters of the Universe is the terrible He-Man film adaptation you didn't know how much you didn't want or need. Beefcakey I Come In Peace star Dolph Lundgren squares off against Frank Langella from Frost/Nixon, and their battle for the fate of Eternia. As these things do, their epic struggle spills over into southern California, where it imperils all of earth, and also Courteney Cox (Misfits of Science). If you're one of those people who thinks the 80s were dumb, feel free to use this film as exhibit A.

Coming Soon: Masters of the Universe (1987)

August 7th, 2015

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

July 31st, 2015

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"Even in part three, the Dream Warriors failed, and Mr. Big Time Freddy Krueger prevailed." With those timeless words, the Fat Boys summed up the movie we're watching today, in which demonic burn victim Freddy terrorizes Patricia Arquette in her film debut. The Greatest Arquette has a special power of her own, though: the ability to pull others, including Heather Langenkamp from Just the Ten of Us (and the first Nightmare on Elm Street movie or whatever), into her dreams. They and a cadre of institutionalized sleep-deprived teens fight back...with their imaginations. If it seems like this movie is too good for us, well, we've earned it.

Coming Soon: A Nightmare on Elm Street 3:: The Dream Warriors (1987)

July 24th, 2015