Coming Soon: The Happening (2008)

October 30th, 2015

From Justin To Kelly (2003)

October 23rd, 2015

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American Idol -- now in its last season after fifteen years of slow, inexorable decline -- was kind of a big deal in its first season. The winner that year was Kelly Clarkson, arguably the only American Idol contestant to achieve lasting non-niche success in the music industry (sorry, William Hung). As a reward, she and runner-up/Sideshow Bob lookalike Justin Guarini landed starring roles in what the Razzies would later declare the "worst musical in our first 25 years". Although Clarkson recently confirmed rumors that she had once denied -- that she and Guarini were, in fact, locked in the throes of white-hot passion at the time -- you don't see any of that raw sexual attraction on the screen. If anything, the leads seem bored with each other and this entire process. Oh, and by the way it's a musical about text messaging, because that's what all you kids are into. This film is the purest representation you'll find of what middle-aged white guys think teenagers wanted in the early 2000s.

Coming Soon: From Justin To Kelly (2003)

October 16th, 2015

Megaforce (1982)

October 9th, 2015

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How is it possible that a movie featuring a team of commandos on motorbikes equipped with laser guns didn't completely dominate our culture in the early 80s? Looking back to that era, it's sometimes hard to explain why some entertainment was able to worm its way into our collective unconscious, while others became forgotten relics. Was it a terrible idea to cast Barry Bostwick as a charismatic action star? No, that's a pretty good idea. Was it a bad call to hire former stuntman Hal Needham to helm the thing? Probably not -- he's fresh off Cannonball Run (one of our favorite movies!) and he still hasn't spawned previous webipod subjects Stroker Ace or Rad, so nobody knows that he's terrible yet. And you can't fault the marketing -- we were inspired to add this movie to the list because of its persistent, quite frankly awesome full-page ads in comic books. Is it possible that children thirty-plus years ago had some sense of taste, and could tell a low-quality pander when they saw it? That conclusion is hard to defend. For whatever reason, Megaforce is the rare crap-aimed-at-children that didn't catch on. To find out why, listen to us ramble for an hour and change.

Coming Soon: Megaforce (1982)

October 2nd, 2015

Action Jackson (1988)

September 25th, 2015

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Sometimes we forget how into the War on Drugs we all were as a nation in the late 1980s. Remember how we were all playing Narc in the arcades, and just saying no to everything, and also D.A.R.E. was a thing? But how much did we actually understand about drug abuse? If Action Jackson is any indication, absolutely nothing. In this film, real-life crack addict Vanity plays a woman with the most comically unimportant heroin addiction ever put to film. After a night without a fix, she's...a little grumpy. Helping her on the road to recovery is obvious steroid abuser Carl Weathers, who appears to have extra muscles growing out of his normal muscles. The bad guy, meanwhile, is played by Coach, who, as far as we know, is not a drug addict, even though, as a former sitcom star, he has the best excuse.

Coming Soon: Action Jackson (1988)

September 18th, 2015

Skatetown, U.S.A. (1979)

September 11th, 2015

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Fans of the "roller skating to disco music" sub-genre had it pretty great in 1979. They were still one year off from the wake-up call that was Xanadu, and in the meantime their biggest dilemma was whether to watch future webipod subject Roller Boogie or this, the feature film debut of feathered-hair enthusiast Patrick Swayze. This film is basically a who's who of moderately-recognizable TV stars of the 70's that have been completely forgotten: Ruth Buzzi. Flip Wilson in two roles. The Unknown Comic, also in two roles. Scott Baio from Zapped!. Marcia Brady. Horshack. To steal an obscure line from Bill Murray: "This is an elephant graveyard of faces you can not name." All of these titans of comedy have come together to make you laugh, yes, but also to dazzle you with the disco music and roller skating that your heart craves, now and forevermore.

Coming Soon: Skatetown, USA (1979)

September 4th, 2015

Barb Wire (1996)

August 28th, 2015

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In the post-Batman mid-90s, with DC Comics owned by Warner Bros. and Marvel's film arm dangerously incompetent, basically any independent comic book was guaranteed a lucrative film deal. '96 was also a peak year for Pamela Anderson (Lee), being four years into her role on Baywatch and just one year after the release of her sex tape with husband/Hepatitis C Patient Zero Tommy Lee. So maybe it's not a surprise that someone decided to adapt Barb Wire, an obscure 2-year-old character from a comic that was canceled before the movie even reached theaters, as a Pam Anderson vehicle. But whose idea was it to make it a gender-swapped Casablanca? Know your demographic, filmmakers. We want to see boobs, not debate whether Udo Kier or Barb Wire's blind brother is the Sam character. It's distracting.