Coming Soon: Shakma (1990)

May 1st, 2015

A*P*E (1976)

April 24th, 2015

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Isn't it funny how they always make a bunch of movies about the same thing at the same time? Like Deep Impact and Armageddon, or the three different movies about Billie Jean King and Bobby Riggs that are currently in production. Or, for example, like the crappy 1976 King Kong remake and this, its even crappier South Korean equivalent, which apparently is trying to poke fun at M*A*S*H with its stylized title, because, ha? This movie stars the mom from Growing Pains, which is great, because that means we only have three cast members to go before we complete the set. If you're worried that this might be a low-quality movie, fear not; it made the cover of The Official Razzie Movie Guide, and you can watch it in its entirety on YouTube. We live in a golden age.

Coming Soon: A*P*E (1976)

April 17th, 2015

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002)

April 10th, 2015

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Formerly a leader on IMDB's bottom 100. Permanent resident of Wikipedia's list of films considered the worst. Achiever of the rare 0% Rotten Tomatoes score. Yes, by all appearances Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever would seem to be a terrible, terrible film. But we've seen the pattern time and time again, in films like Moment by Moment and Leonard Part 6, films that, yes, suck, but that maybe don't suck as epically as we've been told. Join us -- won't you? -- on a journey back to a time when Ray Park was getting acting roles with dialogue for some reason. Together, we'll watch perhaps the only movie in all of the history of cinema that is generally considered to be worse than its video game adaptation.

Coming Soon: Ballistic:: Ecks vs. Sever (2002)

April 3rd, 2015

Malibu Express (1985)

March 27th, 2015

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As unabashed fans of puerile, boobs-obsessed director (and inventor of the honey shot) Andy Sidaris, we were unrealistically enthusiastic about this early effort, which features Sybil Danning from Battle Beyond the Stars plus a whole lot of Playboy playmates. Unfortunately, unlike Sidaris's later work, this one's a bit nasty -- a little racist, a lot homophobic, and way to sexist even by Andy Sidaris standards. It's not all bad news -- we were happy to learn of the existence of Lynda Wiesmeier, who does excellent work as auto racer June Khnockers ("with an 'h'") -- but to get to the good stuff, you have to sit through a movie that attempts to ripoff both Magnum P.I. and Smokey and the Bandit simultaneously. Don't make our mistake; stick with a nice 90s vintage of Sidaris film.

Coming Soon: Malibu Express (1985)

March 20th, 2015

Rock Star (2001)

March 13th, 2015

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Based loosely on the story of Judas Priest replacement singer Tim "Ripper" Owens, Rock Star follows former Funky Bunch front man Marky Mark as the lead singer of a heavy metal tribute band who gets plucked from obscurity by McNulty from The Wire. He goes through all the standard phases of rock stardom: enjoying it a lot; overindulging in drugs and topless groupies; and, finally, dressing in flannel and singing mopey songs in a small Seattle venue to win back his girlfriend (Rachel from Friends, as herself). The whole thing is pretty rote and uninspired, aside from the rather revolutionary idea of using Ted Nugent's "Stranglehold" in a (NSFW) sexy scene. Side note: fictional metal band Steel Dragon is mostly made up of real-life rockers, including the bassist from Dokken, which I only bring up so that I can link to the music video for Dream Warriors, which is from a much more fun movie that we would have rather watched.

Coming Soon: Rock Star (2001)

March 6th, 2015

The Day After (1983)

February 27th, 2015

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There's not much to joke about with our first-ever TV movie. Its plot concerns the immediate aftermath of thermonuclear war between the United States and Russia, and how sudden incineration and gradual death from radiation poisoning affect the members of a small Midwest community (answer: it affects them negatively). It's so terrifying and depressing that its original broadcast was followed immediately by a discussion panel featuring Carl Sagan, who reassured millions of Americans that, in fact, it would be much worse than how it was in the movie; and Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel, who found some scenes to be hauntingly familiar. So, go ahead and try to get a good night's sleep after you watch this one. And don't think everything's going to be okay because there's less nukes out there now than in the early 80s. There's still more than enough to destroy the planet a dozen times. Jesus Christ. Oh, and it has Steve Guttenberg, he was in some bad movies, ha ha, what fun. God dammit.