Coming Soon: Masters of the Universe (1987)

August 7th, 2015

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

July 31st, 2015

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"Even in part three, the Dream Warriors failed, and Mr. Big Time Freddy Krueger prevailed." With those timeless words, the Fat Boys summed up the movie we're watching today, in which demonic burn victim Freddy terrorizes Patricia Arquette in her film debut. The Greatest Arquette has a special power of her own, though: the ability to pull others, including Heather Langenkamp from Just the Ten of Us (and the first Nightmare on Elm Street movie or whatever), into her dreams. They and a cadre of institutionalized sleep-deprived teens fight back...with their imaginations. If it seems like this movie is too good for us, well, we've earned it.

Coming Soon: A Nightmare on Elm Street 3:: The Dream Warriors (1987)

July 24th, 2015

The Apple (1980)

July 17th, 2015

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At long last, Andrew forces Chris to watch one of the most notorious musicals of all time, a Cannon Films-produced disco romp set in the dark dystopian future of 1994. While O.J. Simpson flees the police in his white Ford Bronco (off-screen and unmentioned), young musical ingénues Alphie and Bibi (the latter of whom was comically terrible as the girlfriend in The Last Starfighter) are seduced by Mr. Boogalow, the head of pervasive record label BIM, into a life of drugs and casual sex and wild success and fun times. Alphie doesn't go for it, but Bibi takes the bait, and gets an exciting opportunity to meet an actual, actual, actual vampire. Can Alphie pry Bibi from the sensual, glittery arms of BIM superstars Dandi and Pandi? Seriously, if you enjoy bad movies and you haven't seen The Apple, you're in for a treat.

Coming Soon: The Apple (1980)

July 10th, 2015

Stroker Ace (1983)

July 3rd, 2015

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We unironically love Smokey and the Bandit and Cannonball Run, so you might think we'd be really enthusiastic about watching any movie directed by former stuntman Hal Needham and starring moustache-enthusiast and one-time box office superstar Burt Reynolds. Well, there are a couple problems with that theory. Firstly, it's only been about half a year since we sat through another Hal Needham flick called Rad, and we haven't fully healed. Secondly, this movie is about NASCAR, and -- surprise! -- that's not really our thing. Thirdly, Burt Reynolds himself cites this film has "the one where I lost them". That doesn't sound good. Burt's love interest is played by Loni Anderson, who he later married; in this film, he contemplates sexually assaulting her while she sleeps. That doesn't sound great either. And instead of Dom DeLuise, Burt's sidekick is Gomer Pyle. Oooooh boy. This one's gonna be tough.

Coming Soon: Stroker Ace (1983)

June 26th, 2015

Howling 2: Your Sister Is a Werewolf (1985)

June 19th, 2015

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This is not the worst movie we've ever seen, but it just might be the stupidest. Are we really supposed to believe that antagonist Stirba (played by Battle Beyond the Stars star Sybil Danning) is 10,000 years old -- putting her birth date somewhere near the end of the Stone Age? If monster hunter Christopher Lee is her brother, as a late-movie twist briefly reveals, then does that mean he's thousands of years old too? Why is it so important to kill Stirba, when all she seems to want to do is have werewolf orgies? Why do those orgies seem to be basically sexless and take days? Why do the protagonists go from being bland acquaintances to lovers in the span of an afternoon, and why is a Transylvanian village of nothing but werewolves just allowing them to hang around uneaten? Not a single scene in this movie makes any damn sense, and it is fantastic. Strongly recommend.

Coming Soon: Howling 2:: Your Sister Is a Werewolf (1985)

June 12th, 2015

Nighthawks (1981)

June 5th, 2015

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Sylvester Stallone (Rhinestone) and Rutger Hauer (Blind Fury) star in this adaptation of the beloved Edward Hopper oil painting (not really) that was originally intended to be the third Popeye Doyle movie (that one's true). Stallone plays a decoy cop, dressing up like a lady to lure New York's ever-present muggers, until he and partner Billy Dee Williams are recruited to track down Wulfgar (Hauer), a terrorist based on Carlos the Jackal. But this time, to get the bad guy...he just might have to dress up like a lady. This is Stallone near the height of his popularity and Hauer's first American role, so the burning question is: how have we never heard of this movie? Is it just that terrible? Let's find out together, brave listener.