Coming Soon: Ballistic:: Ecks vs. Sever (2002)

April 3rd, 2015

Malibu Express (1985)

March 27th, 2015

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As unabashed fans of puerile, boobs-obsessed director (and inventor of the honey shot) Andy Sidaris, we were unrealistically enthusiastic about this early effort, which features Sybil Danning from Battle Beyond the Stars plus a whole lot of Playboy playmates. Unfortunately, unlike Sidaris's later work, this one's a bit nasty -- a little racist, a lot homophobic, and way to sexist even by Andy Sidaris standards. It's not all bad news -- we were happy to learn of the existence of Lynda Wiesmeier, who does excellent work as auto racer June Khnockers ("with an 'h'") -- but to get to the good stuff, you have to sit through a movie that attempts to ripoff both Magnum P.I. and Smokey and the Bandit simultaneously. Don't make our mistake; stick with a nice 90s vintage of Sidaris film.

Coming Soon: Malibu Express (1985)

March 20th, 2015

Rock Star (2001)

March 13th, 2015

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Based loosely on the story of Judas Priest replacement singer Tim "Ripper" Owens, Rock Star follows former Funky Bunch front man Marky Mark as the lead singer of a heavy metal tribute band who gets plucked from obscurity by McNulty from The Wire. He goes through all the standard phases of rock stardom: enjoying it a lot; overindulging in drugs and topless groupies; and, finally, dressing in flannel and singing mopey songs in a small Seattle venue to win back his girlfriend (Rachel from Friends, as herself). The whole thing is pretty rote and uninspired, aside from the rather revolutionary idea of using Ted Nugent's "Stranglehold" in a (NSFW) sexy scene. Side note: fictional metal band Steel Dragon is mostly made up of real-life rockers, including the bassist from Dokken, which I only bring up so that I can link to the music video for Dream Warriors, which is from a much more fun movie that we would have rather watched.

Coming Soon: Rock Star (2001)

March 6th, 2015

The Day After (1983)

February 27th, 2015

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There's not much to joke about with our first-ever TV movie. Its plot concerns the immediate aftermath of thermonuclear war between the United States and Russia, and how sudden incineration and gradual death from radiation poisoning affect the members of a small Midwest community (answer: it affects them negatively). It's so terrifying and depressing that its original broadcast was followed immediately by a discussion panel featuring Carl Sagan, who reassured millions of Americans that, in fact, it would be much worse than how it was in the movie; and Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel, who found some scenes to be hauntingly familiar. So, go ahead and try to get a good night's sleep after you watch this one. And don't think everything's going to be okay because there's less nukes out there now than in the early 80s. There's still more than enough to destroy the planet a dozen times. Jesus Christ. Oh, and it has Steve Guttenberg, he was in some bad movies, ha ha, what fun. God dammit.

Coming Soon: The Day After (1983)

February 20th, 2015

Martial Arts Month Part Two

February 13th, 2015

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We've seen two excellent martial arts movies, but we won't be experts on the genre until we sit through two terrible ones. That's called science. First up is The Last Dragon, a Taimak vehicle starring Vanity at the very start of her crack-fueled slide into obscurity and, in a serendipitous callback to Blaxploitation Month Part Two, Bucky from Disco Godfather. Then we'll close out Martial Arts Month with American Commando Ninja, starring nobody, but featuring the very loudest late-80s fashions ever worn by ninjas.

Coming Soon: Martial Arts Month Part Two

February 6th, 2015

Martial Arts Month Part One

January 30th, 2015

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If you're a Search for Schlock superfan, you still refer to December 2012 as Blaxploitation Month. Well, get ready for its Far East counterpart! We're starting with two classics of the genre, beloved by its enthusiasts. First up is The 36th Chamber of Shaolin, a movie that's 95% training montage, 5% dialogue to be sampled by the Wu-Tang Clan at a later date. We'll follow that up with Come Drink With Me, a wuxia film about a badass dart-throwing woman on a mission to save her brother from kidnappers. Yes, these movies are very good, and yes, our punishment in Martial Arts Month Part Two will be grave indeed.