Captain America (1990)

July 18th, 2014

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Join us on a voyage to the distant past of 1990, when any movie based on a Marvel Comics franchise was guaranteed to be one of the worst pieces of crap ever. Following closely on the heels of Howard the Duck and The Punisher (not the good one) comes a film introducing World War II hero Captain America (also not the good one). Unlike the Steve Rogers to whom you've grown accustomed, this Cap is a whiny loser with a cheap plastic shield who gets consistently stymied by a small gang of young, fashionable Italian models. Directed by Brain Smasher director Albert Pyun and produced by the infamous Menahem Golan, this movie is a perfect storm of cinematic badness that will swell your heart with American pride.

Coming Soon: Captain America (1990)

July 11th, 2014

Battle Beyond the Stars (1980)

July 4th, 2014

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For reasons that no film historian has ever divined, the late 1970s and early 80s were a real boom time for space operas -- a trend that culminated in the mysteriously-titled Turkish Star Wars. For whatever reason, in 1980, bargain-hunter Roger Corman decided to produce this re-imagining of The Magnificent Seven in space, an idea whose complexity is only slightly compounded by the fact that The Magnificent Seven was itself Seven Samurai in the Old West. All of which is to say that Hollywood is ready for my adaptation of Battle Beyond The Stars but at a high school. If I can get Sybil Danning to play a saucy teacher, I'm pretty sure I can get the green light.

Coming Soon: Battle Beyond the Stars (1980)

June 27th, 2014

Brain Smasher...A Love Story (1993)

June 20th, 2014

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This may be one of the more obscure movies we've watched for the podcast -- I'm not sure, because obscurity is hard to measure -- but there are three reasons why we felt we had to see it. First of all, it stars human regret Andrew Dice Clay, who we loathed in The Adventures of Ford Fairlane. Secondly, the antagonist is played by none other than Seattle restauranteur The Bad Guy From Karate Kid Part II, who we reluctantly enjoyed in Aloha Summer (and who proudly displays a Brain Smasher poster in his fine establishment). Thirdly but perhaps mostly, it's a film written and directed by notorious schlockmeister Albert Pyun, into whose oeuvre we have had yet to delve. We'll be seeing a lot more of Mr. Pyun's work in the near future, so pay close attention, cinema enthusiasts.

Coming Soon: Brain Smasher...A Love Story (1993)

June 13th, 2014

9 1/2 Ninjas! (1991)

June 6th, 2014

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This one found its way onto our list on the basis of its name alone (and we didn't even know about the exclamation point!). Basically, someone had the idea to shoot a parody of then-five-year-old erotic drama 9 1/2 Weeks that is also about ninjas, and that person was given money to make this happen. If that doesn't grab you, take a look at the filmography of romantic lead Andee Gray. What's that uncredited role in RoboCop, you ask? She was in one of the "I'd Buy That For A Dollar" TV segments (you know, the one Emil is watching through a store window while violence erupts in the streets because the cops are on strike in the third act). That's it, sold. Done. I will watch any movie that features any actor from the "I'd Buy That For A Dollar" segments from RoboCop, PERIOD.

Coming Soon: 9 1/2 Ninjas (1991)

May 30th, 2014

Lady in the Lake (1947)

May 23rd, 2014

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In this little-remembered but unusual first-person POV Philip Marlowe adaptation, you are the star! You'll find the evidence, you'll piece together the clues, and you'll slap all those broads in their stupid faces! But there are some problems. For one thing, you're not a particularly likeable character. You're a jerk to basically everyone. You speak in a bit of a monotone, and since you can't see your own face, it's hard to tell how you feel about any given situation. Sometimes you just stand around looking at boring things, like when you're on the phone and you just stare at a wall for a minute. So in conclusion, you're an emotionless, boring asshole. And you're the star!

Coming Soon: Lady in the Lake (1947)

May 16th, 2014