Furious 7 (2015)

September 28th, 2018

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At last, the end of this long airplane runway is in sight. If the Fast/Furious franchise is a quarter-mile, then we've reached the last quarter of that quarter-mile, but it took us much longer than fifteen seconds, in spite of all the metaphical nitrous oxide that we injected into our systems along the way. Yes, we had to drink more than our fair share of Coronas to get this far, but at last we can quaff the Belgian Ale that is Furious 7, a movie that ramps up even further the series's complete disregard of the original film's tone, and complete embrace of everything about the series that is senseless.

Letty is back on the crew, but she still has amnesia, so Toretto takes her to Race Wars to jog her memory. That alone could be a whole movie, but it's like the D-plot here. The gang is recruited by superspy Kurt Russell to save a hacker from being kidnapped by terrorists, while simultaneously they're all being hunted down by crazed superhuman Jason Statham. The only way out of this fix is naturally going to involve driving a sports car through the top-floor window of a skyscraper and crashing it into another skyscraper, twice. That's hard to do when the guy in the passenger seat hasn't been partially rendered by computers due to the actor's tragic offscreen drifting-related death, but nobody said this would be easy.

Fast & Furious 6 (2013)

September 14th, 2018

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When U.S. super agent The Rock faces on a criminal mastermind even he can't handle alone, there's only one group he can count on. But can Vin Diesel and his very family-centric viewpoint of heists and heisting stand up to a bad guy who -- brace yourself -- considers the members of his gang to be largely expendable? It's a clash of leadership philosophies like you've never seen before! Also, some characters die, some others come back from the dead, and we finally reach a bizarre intersection point as the narrative finally catches up to what happened in the middle of the third movie.

If you love action that doesn't really make any sense, like even if you think about it the very minimum amount, well, here you are. Some of us at Schlock HQ appreciate that kind of action very much; others, not so much. Find out who's who in this pulse-pounding webipod for the ages.

A note about the sound quality: It sucks. We know. We have a new sound board on the way that will fix all of this, we promise. Stick with us true believer!

Fast Five (2011)

August 31st, 2018

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After our long and arduous slog through the first four of what we now apparently are just calling the Fast franchise, finally we find ourselves at the point where the series went from the "why are they still making these movies" kind of baffling, to the "oh my god, I can't believe somebody made this movie" kind of baffling that we have come to love. Casting aside elements that once grounded the series -- realistic law enforcement tactics, arms that don't look like The Rock's arms, and gravity, to name three -- Fast Five steers hard into the most ridiculous elements of its past installments, bringing back discarded characters from already-forgotten past installments and making it clear that the barely-relevant events of Tokyo Drift have not yet occurred.

But what of Chris and James, who have been forced to watch four pretty terrible movies just to get this far? Are they completely NOS'd out? Or will this movie give them the burst they need to something something racing metaphor? There are still three Fast movies to go after this one, so let's all hope for the latter.

Fast & Furious (2009)

August 17th, 2018

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We had Schlock HQ would like to thank you, listener, for staying with us during the tumultuous period of this experiment in watching an entire series of movies. We know better than anyone the real struggle of getting through the first half of this franchise, and with this webipod we'll complete the first half of a difficult journey that will -- eventually -- lead to us deciding not to do this kind of thing anymore, we promise.

But in the meantime, here's the most-forgettable F&F yet, a movie so bland that it appears to have been named by someone who was on Ambien and only trying to say the name of the first film in the franchise. At least they managed to lure Vin Diesel back into the series, as he and Paul Walker -- whose character arc has improbably brought him from from local cop to wanted fugitive and now, somehow, to FBI agent -- try to track down the drug smuggler who killed Michelle Rodriguez.

That's right, they killed off Letty! And also this movie apparently takes place before the third one! Look, none of it makes sense, and I'm not going to apologize for that. We don't make the movies, we just watch them. And I promise this will all pay off when we get to the good ones. Which will happen any time now.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006)

August 3rd, 2018

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Hey, you guys love that movie franchise with Vin Diesel and the white guy driving fast cars in a straight line, right? Well, now it's a franchise about not those people driving fast cars around corners!

In what F&tF fans unanimously agree is either the worst or the best (trust me, some people actually think this) entry in the series, Lucas Black is Sean Boswell, a 17-year-old high-school student played by a 24-year-old who looks like he's in his late 30s, and whose Alabama accent is so stupid that it must be a cruel joke character that he does, like Larry the Cable Guy or something. His chronic delinquency gets him shipped out to the mean streets of Tokyo, where he immediately gets on the bad side of some scary kid whose uncle is in the Yakuza or something. And the only solution...is driving fast cars...around corners.

There's actually a lot of interesting stuff to talk about with Tokyo Drift -- the introduction to the series of director Justin Lin and recurring character Han Seoul-Oh, the dialed-down homoeroticism and the dialed-way-up objectification of female characters, the parts where they drive cars around corners really fast -- but what fascinates us the most is how this entry later fits into the overall series's suddenly-very-convoluted continuity. We'd skip it if we could, but it's going to become a hinge around which the entire franchise rotates, which is both inexplicably insane and also perfectly fitting.

2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)

July 20th, 2018

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The Fast & Also Furious Franchise takes a hard pivot from Point Break ripoff to something in more of a Bad Boys 2 buddy/comedy/action vein, with shirtless Tyrese Gibson replacing a Vin Diesel who has moved on to the certain-to-be-more-successful XXX franchise.

The action takes place in Miami this time, where everything is neon and everyone says "bruh" all the time because "bro" is too much effort. Ludacris is on hand to officiate any street races you might need to organize, which is a good thing, because street races are the solution to every problem. Need some quick cash? Street race. Don't like the amazing cars the government gave you to infiltrate a gang of drug smugglers? Street. Race.

Join us for the movie that broke the Electric Boogaloo Sequel Name Evaluation System before it had a chance to take over the world by storm.

The Fast and the Furious (2001)

July 6th, 2018

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It's time to fasten your seatbelts (get it? GET IT?!?!) as Search for Schlock returns for its reluctant / triumphant sixth season! We took a year off, so now we're refreshed and ready to take on the day.

To keep us that way, witness now a full-on format change: we're going to watch every single installment of the Fast and the Furious franchise to date (all 8 of 'em). And then we'll strongly consider doing something like that again, before deciding against it and going right back to our old format. Hey, the point is we tried.

In the meantime, Andrew will force Chris and James to watch in mute horror as Vin Diesel and friends nos their way through eight increasingly ridiculous installments, starting with...the first one. It's basically Point Break, but did that movie have Race Wars? No, only this movie has Race Wars. (It's not what you think!)

Anyway, welcome back, and we're glad to be back, and we're glad that you exist, and we love you.

Stewardess School (1986)

July 1st, 2017

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There comes a time in every podcasters life when he or she realizes .... ENOUGH!

Or at least enough for now. Ladies and gentleman this weeks webipod marks our fifth anniversary. That is five god damned years of bringing you over 130 episodes of us droning on about terrible (but sometimes great) films. A lot in our lives have changed. A lot is on our respective plates. Andrew for instance has 20 children now and is planning on opening his own circus to showcase them. We need a break.

So this episode marks the beginning of a hiatus for Search for Schlock. A hiatus of undetermined length. I could give you the details but we don't have many to give if I'm being honest ... and more will be discussed within the episode itself.

So without further adieu I bring you Stewardess School. The most ridiculous film ever made about ... Stewardesses. One of Andrews all time favorite bad films and frankly a fitting flick to end five years of crap. As well as a trivia game complete with cheesy buzzers testing me and Andrews knowledge of our own crappy show. (James you outdid your self buddy). It is one of the most memorable episodes to date ... says me.

I'll let the episode elaborate further ... along with our thoughts on the hiatus. Just listen!!

Coming Soon: Stewardess School (1986)

June 19th, 2017

The Alchemist (1983)

June 7th, 2017

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Everyone who took part in this film are bad people and should feel bad. All of them without question.

Well maybe it wasn't that bad. It certainly wasn't the worst movie we've endured. It's simple another in a long line of boring ... not that great ... not that unique ... Charles Band films.

The Alchemist!

Charles who we discovered was the director of a film called The Gingerdead Man starring Gary Busey. About a gingerbread man who murders ... so yeah. There is a definite level of quality one comes to expect.

No alchemists harmed during the filming of this webipod ... just the continuing deterioration of two podcasters souls ... The Alchemist!