Coming Soon: Traxx (1988)

February 7th, 2014

The Rocketeer (1991)

January 31st, 2014

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We've waited a long time for the Omegahedron to call this one forth -- it's been on the Sacred List O' Movies since the very beginning, and here it is at last. How did a Disney movie based on a comic book about a guy with a jetpack, and with just about the coolest movie poster ever, manage to make ten times less at the box office in its opening weekend than contemporary crap-fest Dick Tracy? And can you think of any other movie villain based on a real celebrity's later-discredited biography claiming they were a bisexual Nazi spy? Why won't Jennifer Connelly return our calls? These questions and more, answered herein.

Coming Soon: The Rocketeer (1991)

January 24th, 2014

The Keep (1983)

January 17th, 2014

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How does a movie directed by Michael Mann and starring Sir Ian McKellen wind up the subject of a bad-movies podcast? By being cut from an unmarketable over-three-hours running time to an incomprehensible ninety minutes, that's how. To give you some idea of what we're dealing with here, two of the main characters' names -- immortal warrior Glaeken Trismegestus and his ancient nemesis Molasar -- aren't mentioned until the very end. One secondary character, a priest, is depicted as being very friendly, then goes into a screaming rage, then drinks blood from a chalice, and then is friendly again. Maybe we'll understand the plot after we play the board game a few times.

Coming Soon: The Keep (1983)

January 10th, 2014

Savage Streets (1984)

January 3rd, 2014

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It's a revenge movie in the vein of Death Wish, it reunites Chained Heat co-stars Linda Blair and John Vernon, and as if that weren't enough, they threw in Linnea Quigley, literally our favorite person of all time. And just check out the awesome trailer! Those of you who love to see us set up for huge disappointments are in for a real thrill, as our wildly unrealistic expectation that we might actually enjoy this film are dashed to the ground, and we are shot through the heart by so many metaphorical crossbow bolts, stepping yet again into the bear trap of bad moviedom. Weep for us, dear listener.

Coming Soon: Savage Streets (1984)

December 27th, 2013

Project: ALF (1996)

December 20th, 2013

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In 1990, the producers of the declining hit puppet sitcom ALF were given a handshake promise of a season renewal. Season ending cliffhangers were all the rage right that second, so they ended the last episode with a tense standoff in which ALF's existence is discovered by the Alien Task Force, and the Tanners -- ALF's adopted human family -- seem powerless to intervene. And then the show was cancelled. ("Ha! I kill me!" -- anonymous network executive who surprise-cancelled ALF, probably.) For reasons that I'm going to assume are directly related to the runaway success of Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, idiosyncratic ALF creator Paul Fusco got the opportunity to tie up the loose ends that had bedeviled the nation for six long years with a TV movie. There's still no movie about what happened to VICI and the Lawsons, though.

Coming Soon: Project ALF (1996)

December 13th, 2013

Monster High (1989)

December 6th, 2013

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We're a couple of old men, so when people talk to us about "Monster High," we don't think of the line of horror-themed Bratz ripoff dolls that are apparently all the rage these days with youngsters. We think about this late-80s comedy classic, in which an extraterrestrial, sentient force of total destruction named Mr. Armageddon arrives on our planet, and all hell breaks loose. (The title refers both to the film's high school setting, and to how great marijuana is.) Yeah, a lot of it is pretty stupid, but there are a handful of excellent gags that really go the distance; and, this is definitely one of those movies where they went back and added a lot of breasts after the fact. So if you love boobs, weed, and stupidity, check out Monster High along with us. You'll be glad you did.