The Conqueror (1956)

March 14th, 2014

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According to Hollywood legend, The Conqueror got made when John Wayne picked up a copy of the script from director Dick Powell's desk and remarked that it was a lot like a Western. The fact that it was the story of famous Mongol leader Genghis Khan -- to whom Wayne did not bare a striking resemblance -- was overlooked, as was the fact that the screenplay itself was crap, because who can say 'no' to John Wayne in the mid-1950s? Wayne, with a slight tan and a borderline-offensive pasted-on fu manchu moustache, is still basically John Wayne, and that makes him about as out-of-place as possible in a sprawling Oriental epic like this one. (Imagine him as Hamlet, and you'll get the idea.) Besides damaging their careers, filming The Conqueror may have led to the cast and crew's unusually high rate of deadly cancers, and it's one of the few films that producer Howard Hughes watched on a continuous loop while bottling his own urine, perhaps as some sort of cinematic form of self-flagellation. Since we didn't produce this movie, we only have to watch it once.

Coming Soon: The Conqueror (1956)

March 7th, 2014

Meet the Hollowheads (1989)

February 28th, 2014

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Quite possibly the only film that was not made any worse by the involvement of then-unknown Juliette Lewis, Meet the Hollowheads is the nightmarish product of a photographer and a makeup artist who mistook themselves for a screenwriter and a director. You can read all about how this mess came to pass in writer Lisa Morton's production diary, but here's the short version: nobody knew what they were doing, and Lisa Morton is delusional to think this movie might have been good in some alternate universe where producers didn't interfere with movies. This is one of the few movies we can think of that skipped VHS distribution and went straight to bootleg DVD. Bobcat Goldthwait appears and is credited as "Jack Cheese." Lisa Morton, your movie was not good enough for Bobcat Goldthwait to let you use his real name. I don't mean to shame you publicly like this, but DAMMMN.

Coming Soon: Meet the Hollowheads (1989)

February 21st, 2014

Traxx (1988)

February 14th, 2014

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The film that tops Seanbaby's list of the six most spectacular low points of pop culture (oh, Cracked), Traxx stars, for some reason, American Top 40 replacement host and lower-middle square Shadoe Stevens. More confusingly, it seems to be tapping the same comedy vein as its much funnier TV predecessor Sledge Hammer!, spoofing over-the-top violent fare like Search for Schlock favorite Death Wish 3, while not being funny enough to make that intention clear. Then again, sometimes it's funny...or is it? We've never been so confused.

Coming Soon: Traxx (1988)

February 7th, 2014

The Rocketeer (1991)

January 31st, 2014

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We've waited a long time for the Omegahedron to call this one forth -- it's been on the Sacred List O' Movies since the very beginning, and here it is at last. How did a Disney movie based on a comic book about a guy with a jetpack, and with just about the coolest movie poster ever, manage to make ten times less at the box office in its opening weekend than contemporary crap-fest Dick Tracy? And can you think of any other movie villain based on a real celebrity's later-discredited biography claiming they were a bisexual Nazi spy? Why won't Jennifer Connelly return our calls? These questions and more, answered herein.

Coming Soon: The Rocketeer (1991)

January 24th, 2014

The Keep (1983)

January 17th, 2014

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How does a movie directed by Michael Mann and starring Sir Ian McKellen wind up the subject of a bad-movies podcast? By being cut from an unmarketable over-three-hours running time to an incomprehensible ninety minutes, that's how. To give you some idea of what we're dealing with here, two of the main characters' names -- immortal warrior Glaeken Trismegestus and his ancient nemesis Molasar -- aren't mentioned until the very end. One secondary character, a priest, is depicted as being very friendly, then goes into a screaming rage, then drinks blood from a chalice, and then is friendly again. Maybe we'll understand the plot after we play the board game a few times.

Coming Soon: The Keep (1983)

January 10th, 2014