Savage Streets (1984)

January 3rd, 2014

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It's a revenge movie in the vein of Death Wish, it reunites Chained Heat co-stars Linda Blair and John Vernon, and as if that weren't enough, they threw in Linnea Quigley, literally our favorite person of all time. And just check out the awesome trailer! Those of you who love to see us set up for huge disappointments are in for a real thrill, as our wildly unrealistic expectation that we might actually enjoy this film are dashed to the ground, and we are shot through the heart by so many metaphorical crossbow bolts, stepping yet again into the bear trap of bad moviedom. Weep for us, dear listener.

Coming Soon: Savage Streets (1984)

December 27th, 2013

Project: ALF (1996)

December 20th, 2013

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In 1990, the producers of the declining hit puppet sitcom ALF were given a handshake promise of a season renewal. Season ending cliffhangers were all the rage right that second, so they ended the last episode with a tense standoff in which ALF's existence is discovered by the Alien Task Force, and the Tanners -- ALF's adopted human family -- seem powerless to intervene. And then the show was cancelled. ("Ha! I kill me!" -- anonymous network executive who surprise-cancelled ALF, probably.) For reasons that I'm going to assume are directly related to the runaway success of Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, idiosyncratic ALF creator Paul Fusco got the opportunity to tie up the loose ends that had bedeviled the nation for six long years with a TV movie. There's still no movie about what happened to VICI and the Lawsons, though.

Coming Soon: Project ALF (1996)

December 13th, 2013

Monster High (1989)

December 6th, 2013

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We're a couple of old men, so when people talk to us about "Monster High," we don't think of the line of horror-themed Bratz ripoff dolls that are apparently all the rage these days with youngsters. We think about this late-80s comedy classic, in which an extraterrestrial, sentient force of total destruction named Mr. Armageddon arrives on our planet, and all hell breaks loose. (The title refers both to the film's high school setting, and to how great marijuana is.) Yeah, a lot of it is pretty stupid, but there are a handful of excellent gags that really go the distance; and, this is definitely one of those movies where they went back and added a lot of breasts after the fact. So if you love boobs, weed, and stupidity, check out Monster High along with us. You'll be glad you did.

Coming Soon: Monster High (1989)

November 29th, 2013

Turkish Star Wars (1982)

November 22nd, 2013

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OK, we admit, it's not really called Turkish Star Wars. It's actually Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam, or "The Man Who Saved The World". And it doesn't really have that much in common with American Star Wars; it's about a couple of Turks trying to save Earth from a space villain who may or may not have already destroyed Earth, it's not entirely clear. But everyone calls it Turkish Star Wars, probably because it infamously just straight-up uses footage from the original, projecting it behind actors to make them look like they're in space. Actually, it just looks like they're standing in front of a competently-made movie. Even the stuff they steal, like the aforementioned space footage and the Indiana Jones theme, they manage to botch in the editing process. But there's definitely some fun to be had in watching dudes karate-chop the arms off of overgrown muppets, which perhaps explains this film's enduring popularity. You be the judge...or just let us.

Coming Soon: Turkish Star Wars (1982)

November 15th, 2013

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

November 8th, 2013

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This movie is a one-of-a-kind adaptation of an obscure series of short stories about a "rock 'n' roll detective" that, for whatever reason, became a vehicle for aggressively of-his-time comedian Andrew Dice Clay. (Clay's overtly misogynistic, racist, and homophobic comedy is problematic at best by today's standards, but it's adequately summed up by Fairlane costar Gilbert Gottfried's spot-on impression.) Unfortunately, the script had to be altered to include a lot of Dice jokes, including his catchphrase, which is best described as the sound someone from New Jersey might make while being stabbed to death. Billy Idol, who recorded "Cradle of Love" for the soundtrack, was supposed to portray one of the villains; when a motorcycle accident forced him to bow out, he was replaced with Robert Englund, who gamely attempts to speak with an Idol-esque British accent.

Coming Soon: The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

November 1st, 2013