Coming Soon: Monster High (1989)

November 29th, 2013

Turkish Star Wars (1982)

November 22nd, 2013

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OK, we admit, it's not really called Turkish Star Wars. It's actually Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam, or "The Man Who Saved The World". And it doesn't really have that much in common with American Star Wars; it's about a couple of Turks trying to save Earth from a space villain who may or may not have already destroyed Earth, it's not entirely clear. But everyone calls it Turkish Star Wars, probably because it infamously just straight-up uses footage from the original, projecting it behind actors to make them look like they're in space. Actually, it just looks like they're standing in front of a competently-made movie. Even the stuff they steal, like the aforementioned space footage and the Indiana Jones theme, they manage to botch in the editing process. But there's definitely some fun to be had in watching dudes karate-chop the arms off of overgrown muppets, which perhaps explains this film's enduring popularity. You be the judge...or just let us.

Coming Soon: Turkish Star Wars (1982)

November 15th, 2013

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

November 8th, 2013

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This movie is a one-of-a-kind adaptation of an obscure series of short stories about a "rock 'n' roll detective" that, for whatever reason, became a vehicle for aggressively of-his-time comedian Andrew Dice Clay. (Clay's overtly misogynistic, racist, and homophobic comedy is problematic at best by today's standards, but it's adequately summed up by Fairlane costar Gilbert Gottfried's spot-on impression.) Unfortunately, the script had to be altered to include a lot of Dice jokes, including his catchphrase, which is best described as the sound someone from New Jersey might make while being stabbed to death. Billy Idol, who recorded "Cradle of Love" for the soundtrack, was supposed to portray one of the villains; when a motorcycle accident forced him to bow out, he was replaced with Robert Englund, who gamely attempts to speak with an Idol-esque British accent.

Coming Soon: The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

November 1st, 2013

Short Circuit 2 (1988)

October 25th, 2013

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"Some say he's nuts, others say he's bolts" -- and if you think that tagline's hilarious, how can you possibly survive two solid hours of gut-busting robot antics? Having successfully faked Johnny 5's death at the end of the first movie, Stephanie (portrayed here by a returning Ally Sheedy in voice only) and Newton Crosby (completely absent Steve Guttenberg -- he didn't even send his Who's Johnny cardboard cutout) ship their extraordinarily valuable robot friend to New York City, so that he can help their conspicuously Indian friend Fisher Stevens manufacture cheap trinkets in his likeness. Even slickster Michael McKean, who has nothing to gain and everything to lose by doing so, points out that this is an incredibly stupid premise. Johnny 5 samples Catholicism, gets arrested, and foils a jewel heist, but the real star is Fisher Stevens's kooky Indian minstrel routine. He basically just says words in the wrong order and misunderstands idioms for the whole duration. In fact, it occurs to me that he wouldn't understand the tagline of his own movie, which is kind of beautifully tragic.

Coming Soon: Short Circuit 2 (1988)

October 18th, 2013

Aloha Summer (1988)

October 11th, 2013

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Based solely on our love of The Bad Guy from Karate Kid Part II's excellent Hawaiian-style diner, we selected this film, the poster of which is featured prominently on the aforementioned diner's wall. So it's a bit of an unknown quantity from the outset. But there's a lot to recommend this film, including a surprisingly affecting performance by martial arts star Sho Kosugi, an unsurprisingly hot performance by 21-year-old Hawaii native Tia Carrere, and a perhaps inevitably homoerotic performance by My Bodyguard star Chris Makepeace. So, maybe it won't suck?

Coming Soon: Aloha Summer (1988)

October 4th, 2013

National Lampoon's Pledge This! (2006)

September 27th, 2013

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Why, why, why, WHY?!!? Ahem. Here's a film with absolutely no redeeming qualities, at all. As of this writing, IMDB ranks it as the second-worst film of all time, just after Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2. Paris Hilton languidly says her then-catchphrase ("Hot."), whether or not it makes sense in context; inexplicable Christina Hendricks spouse Geoffrey Arend plays three or four roles, but that's not always entirely clear, since one of his characters tends to do kooky accents and pretend to be other people. We're joined by friend of the show Mark, who last sat with us for A Talking Cat!?!, so we know he can handle himself in this kind of situation.