The Great Alligator (1979)

June 7th, 2013

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Italian thriller director Sergio Martino directs Beatles spouse Barbara Bach in this giant monster cheapie. Scenes of a surprisingly violent slaughter are interspersed with shots of what appear to be bath toys in a fish tank. It's truly a sight to behold. Also, we talk about movies and TV shows and stuff for a long time.

Tenebre (1982)

May 24th, 2013

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Hey! It's a movie that doesn't suck! We dive headfirst into the giallo genre that Andrew keeps talking about with this bloody, nasty masterpiece from Italian director Dario Argento. Like Hitchcock with fashion sense, Argento delivers a suspensful thriller with bloody fountains of style. We know you never actually lower yourself to watching the movies we talk about, but in this case we urge you to do so, lest we spoil literally everything.

Teenagers from Outer Space (1959)

May 10th, 2013

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After the box office failure of this MST3K highlight, director/writer/producer/featured player Tom Graeff took out an ad in the Los Angeles Times proclaiming himself "Jesus Christ II" and later killed himself. But hey, you must have something going for you if you can make a feature-length film for $14,000. Thrifty filmmakers like Graeff -- who Wikipedia, at least, calls "The Gay Ed Wood" -- know that the craft services table is a perfect place to find your movie's monster.

The Guyver (1991)

April 26th, 2013

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Possibly the worst movie we've forced upon ourselves to date, The Guyver combines the juvenile antics and lackluster martial arts of the previous year's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie with Cronenberg-style flesh horror into a bizarre melange that seems unsuitable for all audiences. Mark Hamill gets top billing even though he plays a secondary character, but in his defense, he's the only actor in this movie who delivers anything close to a good performance. And when every actor in your movie sucks way, way more than Mark Hamill, well, that's not good.

Baba Yaga (1973)

April 12th, 2013

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Based on a comic by Italian artist Guido Crepax and starring his most famous character, Valentina, Baba Yaga is a unique combination of artsy, erotic, and unbearably dull. Valentina is seduced by an elderly lesbian with magical powers and drawn into a world of pain in submission, in the least interesting way possible. Even the frequent nudity is pretty boring. Best of all, we were super excited to see it, so get ready for some crushed expectations.

Karate Bearfighter (1975)

March 29th, 2013

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In this middle entry of a trilogy, martial arts superstar Sonny Chiba plays real-life super badass Masutatsu Oyama, who founded his own style of karate and bested dozens of bulls in hand-to-hoof combat. Bulls getting their asses handed to them via karate is exactly what we would have seen had we watched Karate Bullfighter, but let's face it: sequels, like bears, are always bigger and better.

A Talking Cat!?! (2013)

March 12th, 2013

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We interrupt our Omegahedron-scheduled programming to bring you this Emergency Webipod of the Search For Schlock System, presenting a movie so impossi-bad, we see it as the spiritual successor to cult classics The Room and Birdemic. Starring a grown-up Jody from Family Affair and the voice of celebrity brother Eric Roberts on all the quaaludes, A Talking Cat!?! is a marvel of cinematic ineptitude from the cinematography to the special effects to the unnecessary title punctuation. We insist that you watch it immediately.

Moment by Moment (1978)

March 1st, 2013

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The chemistry is undeniable as Hollywood sex symbol Lily Tomlin (Big Business) plays Trisha, a jilted wife who gets relentlessly stalked by whiny bitch Strip, portrayed by John Travolta (Orientation: A Scientology Information Film). Will Trisha finally relent to Strip's constant, vampiric attempts to obtain an invitation into her house? Will they be able to overcome their age difference, economic disparity, and implied mutual disinterest in the opposite sex? Move over Bogey and Bacall...Tomlin and Travolta are here.

Lifeforce (1985)

February 15th, 2013

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If you like your sci-fi slow and boring, check out our last webipod, Silent Running. For the rest of you, you're going to love Lifeforce, a film that is truly scene after scene of manic insanity. Alien space bats! Physically-perfect 20-year-old Mathilda May as a beautiful naked succubus! Sir Patrick Stewart as...a beautiful naked succubus! It's that kind of movie. Written by undead space monster enthusiast Dan O'Bannon.

Silent Running (1972)

February 1st, 2013

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We were genuinely excited to watch this sci-fi classic about a space hippie who loves plants or robots or something. And then we did watch it. Now we don't get excited about anything anymore. You'd better have a high tolerance for manic Bruce Dern performances and crappy Joan Baez songs about forests if you're going to subject yourself to this one.