Ninja Terminator (1985)

August 16th, 2013

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White guy ninja Richard Harrison wants to assemble the three pieces of the Golden Ninja Statue that grants its wielder invincibility, so that he can fight the Evil Ninja Empire. To that end, he makes frequent phone calls to Jaguar Wong, a Chinese man in a completely different, much more competently-made kung fu movie. Such is the genius cost-saving style of Z-movie auteur Godfrey Ho, whose modus operandi was to cut redubbed bits and pieces from a bunch of movies, add some of his own inept footage, and call it a terrible, terrible day. Ho even cut up and reused a bunch of his own work, turning what was supposed to be a few Richard Harrison films into a dozen, and effectively killing that actor's career. Godfrey Ho is an essential part of any schlock cinema education, and we certainly feel like we've learned our lesson.

Coming Soon: Ninja Terminator (1985)

August 9th, 2013

R.O.T.O.R. (1988)

August 2nd, 2013

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Buff rancher/police roboticist/sometimes-vigilante Dr. Coldyron invents a slow-moving police robot that looks just like a slow-moving police human, right down to its robot moustache. Unfortunately, the molecular memory in the unknown alloy of its chassis has allowed it to reprogram its brain matrix, so it goes nuts. While R.O.T.O.R. futilely tries to reach into cars and grab an always-just-out-of-reach skinny woman (truly the most dangerous game), Coldyron teams up with alloy inventor/female bodybuilder Dr. Steel. We haven't seen this much science gibberish used to describe a fundamentally unscary monster since Blackenstein.

Coming Soon: R.O.T.O.R. (1988)

July 26th, 2013

Josie and the Pussycats (2001)

July 19th, 2013

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Like the unerring ebb and flow of the tide, the Omegahedron follows a torturous crapfest with a movie that actually has merit. Sure, it's a live-action adaptation of an outdated cartoon that itself was an adaptation of a comic book, but it's also a commentary on consumerism and the choke-hold it has on America's youth. All that, plus a trio of attractive young women in a series of skimpy outfits and ever-present nekomimi? Truly we have suffered greatly to deserve such good fortune.

Coming Soon: Josie and the Pussycats (2001)

July 12th, 2013

Guyver: Dark Hero (1994)

July 5th, 2013

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Not nearly long enough ago, because the guy who wrote our theme song demanded it, we watched The Guyver...and declared it The Very Worst Film that we've watched for the purpose of podcasting. But the sequel must not be so bad, right? Certainly the guy who wrote the 'Reception' chapter of the Guyver: Dark Hero Wikipedia entry thinks it's better than the original. And it stars the guy who does the voice of Solid Snake, which means something to Chris at least. Is there any way that the sequel could steal the crown of Worst Yet from its predecessor? What we discovered may shake your confidence in the veracity of things that fanboys write on Wikipedia articles.

Zapped! (1982) and Zapped Again! (1990)

June 21st, 2013

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It's a double feature! In Zapped!, Scott Baio accidentally inhales cannabinoid fumes that give him telekinetic powers, which he uses to rip womens' clothes off (and generally to parody Carrie). In the arguably superior straight-to-video sequel, Zapped Again! (with exclamation point on the video box, but without on the title card, probably due to budget constraints), some other guy finds the potion that Scott Baio invented or whatever, yada yada yada, telekinesis and boobs. As I'm writing these descriptions I realize I'm not selling these movies well, but trust me, they're a lot better than what we're usually stuck with.

The Great Alligator (1979)

June 7th, 2013

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Italian thriller director Sergio Martino directs Beatles spouse Barbara Bach in this giant monster cheapie. Scenes of a surprisingly violent slaughter are interspersed with shots of what appear to be bath toys in a fish tank. It's truly a sight to behold. Also, we talk about movies and TV shows and stuff for a long time.

Tenebre (1982)

May 24th, 2013

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Hey! It's a movie that doesn't suck! We dive headfirst into the giallo genre that Andrew keeps talking about with this bloody, nasty masterpiece from Italian director Dario Argento. Like Hitchcock with fashion sense, Argento delivers a suspensful thriller with bloody fountains of style. We know you never actually lower yourself to watching the movies we talk about, but in this case we urge you to do so, lest we spoil literally everything.